I think everything happens for a reason.

I think God put us all here to accomplish something. I have no clue what that might be for me, but that’s what I believe.

When my mom died, I was very angry with God. I stopped talking to Him, or if I did talk to him, the only thing I had to say was how angry I was and how could he DO THIS?!

When I first found out about my mom’s cancer, I prayed every day for her healing. And I mean every day and I got granular with it too! None of this “well, technically He did heal her” stuff – no no, I know how it works! I prayed that he would heal her physical body and keep her with me for decades to come, I needed her!

When she died, I was so hurt, aside from just the utter devastation that she was gone, I felt like God had purposefully chosen to ignore my prayers. God can do ANYTHING and he wouldn’t heal my mom!

So I just disconnected. I turned away and purposefully became numb to everything, including God.

Then … 6 weeks later, I discovered what my husband had done.

After Mom died, he started behaving very out of character. I was so checked out, I was hurt & deep down I knew what had happened, but I also refused to acknowledge that this was my new reality. So I accepted his excuses & denials. About a week later, things got even worse and this time I knew I couldn’t ignore it any longer. – I confronted him and told him he had to leave. And the day after that conversation, I attended my mother’s “Celebration of Life” service without my husband by my side.

I was angry with God when my mom died, but now with my marriage over too, I was just … speechless? Defeated? Shook? – I mean, seriously God, seriously?!… WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!

There is something indescribable that happens when your world falls apart.

It’s empty. It’s silent. It’s terrifying. It’s expecting …

God got my attention!

I clearly remember being in my room, with my knees on the floor, crying uncontrollably and begging to know “WHY?”. Why did he do this, why did he take everything from me, why was I suffering like this and suddenly feeling all alone in life!? I was scared, I was confused, I was just in so much pain…

And that’s when the “why” became clear to me.

I wasn’t alone & I never had been. God has always been with me, I just had him in the background rather than walking alongside me hand and hand.

My life, my self-worth, my identity, and my purpose had been wrapped up completely in these 2 people, and now God was telling me “no child, I am your purpose and I am here for you, but you must trust me and follow me and live for me!”

So here I am – figuring this new life out – working out how to balance trying to be brave and strong while being incredibly nervous, totally unprepared and completely unsure.

I don’t know why this has happened. I don’t know what God has planned. I don’t know who I am supposed to become and I don’t know when things will make more sense.

All I know is that my God is an awesome God and he has a reason.

I have hope and I am going to do everything I can to live like it and I feel called to share my journey and maybe we can heal together.

XO Tay