Sometimes God puts you in places alone because he wants you to know that you need nobody but Him.

Admittedly, I have always fancied myself a brave, independent woman. I’m fierce, rawr!

I can take care of myself (and cue hair flip).

But hmm, maybe not so much after all? Turns out, the truth was the exact opposite (almost to a laughable degree). I don’t know when it happened, but at some point in my adult life, I stopped thinking I was capable of taking care of myself. It honestly makes me really sad to admit this but I only felt safe when I was with someone, and I felt safest when I was with my mom or my husband! And then… they were gone. And I was all alone.

And the magnitude of my dependencies on them hit me hard (my therapist uses the word “codependent” – I’ll discuss this some other time haha )

I sincerely had no clue that I was as reliant on them as I was until the day it finally hit me that they weren’t coming home.

I was scared sh*tless – and I had no one to turn to but God!

You know when you’re scared or stressed and you start the frantic praying?! “Lord help me!” “Jesus save me!” “Our Father, who are in heaven hallowed be thy name…” etc etc etc… well that was me 1000% !

And here’s the thing – and why this quote speaks to me so greatly. Once I was alone I was able to actually hear HIM when He answered my prayers!

I started praying for strength, and I got it.

I started praying for peace and I received it.

I started praying for reassurance and I felt it.

I was no longer distracted by or giving credit to, the people in my life that surrounded me, because there was no one there!

It was just me and God and that was my turning point…

I FINALLY saw God for what He is, who He is, and how He has always helped me.

And I truly don’t think if my mom or husband were here, this awareness would have happened. And I’ve asked God so many times – “You really really couldn’t have gotten to this outcome without taking them from me?” And I know the answer is no – every single time I ask it.

Because I finally saw how I placed my safety, my peace, and my LIFE in two flawed earthly people rather than my glorious all-power Heavenly Father.

So, turns out – the hard truth is that you really don’t need anyone but God!

I’ll admit, I struggle often with this a ton. A relationship with God is based on feeling, faith & hope and because of that, it’s hard – none of those things are tangible. The difficulty, though, is intentional, isn’t it? If following God and keeping Him centered was easy, then what would be the point of FAITH?!

I have a lot of regrets that I spent 40 years of my life in a constant state of anxiety because I was looking around me for relief & comfort when all I had to do was look inward & upward. God has always been here for me. He wants me to put my faith and trust in him alone! And I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to, I quite honestly didn’t even think about it because I was giving other people the credit for what God was bestowing upon me

I’m ashamed that He knew I was so oblivious that the only way He could get my attention was to take everything away from me that was taking His (rightful) place as front and center priority, hero, protector, and savior.

(this might be controversial – God would take my mom to get my attention? Yes, I do believe this could be a reason – I think there are probably many reasons. I also recognize that none of us are capable of understanding God)

I am just so grateful that I am here now – maybe not in the way I got here – it was a horrifically terrible journey. But I can’t tell you how different I am now and what my relationship is like. I can’t even properly explain how my thoughts have changed. I don’t have the fear I used to. I don’t have the doubts. I dont have feelings that I am not enough, just the way I am. God did what he did to get my attention. To me – that means something – and I am determined to make it count

So here I am – just me & God (and a little bit of help from my friends). And my prayer for you is that you feel the safety & peace that comes when you realize that when you have God, you have everything you need.

XO

Tay