“Remember how far you have come – not just how far you still have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be” – Rick Warren

As humans, one of our biggest faults is focusing on the negative more than the positive, amiright?!

I’m sure there are hundreds of sociological studies that prove we spend WAY more time thinking about the bad stuff ~ that time you embarrassed yourself in front of someone you had a crush on, or that time you spilled coffee on your boss, or how about when someone said something mean to you ~ THOSE moments take so much (unnecessary and precious) space in our hearts and our heads. But how often do you spend reminiscing about the awesome moments in your life?

I am super guilty of this.

There are a few (super cringe) moments in my past that I still think about all the time. I will replay the whole thing, and then the aftermath, and then ruminate on how I could have let that happen or why I didn’t stop it, or whatever. Then I’ll end up feeling bad about myself and the rest of the day is spent in a funk and completely useless because hello, what on earth do we get from thinking negative thoughts?! Nothing good, that’s for sure!

I promise you I NEVER do that with the awesome and beautiful moments I’ve had – and honestly, I have had some pretty amazing times in my life. I never think of those times, and I honestly don’t know why.

And I’m willing to bet you know exactly what I’m talking about – why does our memory severely lack positive recall?

We might not be where we want to be, but we are not where we used to be either – and that is something to be grateful for! Progress, even baby steps, is still progress! With grief, I’ve learned that even small steps are huge achievements that deserve to be recognized!

So what if we start taking baby steps? Acknowledge that maybe we aren’t “better” yet but we could be better than yesterday? I get it though – you might think you are in the same spot you were yesterday … and literally, you might be! Same clothes, same mind fog, same all-consuming sadness – and yes, you are correct that physically you are in the same spot. BUT … you survived yesterday. Today, you have one more day under your belt. Another day that didn’t beat you. While the physical “sameness” seems to be dragging on and on, I promise you it’s not. Each day is another step closer to your healing.

Overcoming grief and loss is a life-long process.

I’m only a year in and know I will deal with this forever. I am so proud of how far I’ve come, but that feeling is bittersweet and layered with ” yea but… “

Here is what I know – with grief, time IS a friend.

There will never be another situation where I will be grateful for aging! But with grief, time (days, weeks, months, years) helps you heal (hopefully).

We will NEVER get over it but time and distance have done 2 things for me, so far.

1. Time gives us the benefit of distance & space. Anytime there is space between yourself and a moment in time, it begins to dull the feelings, the memories become slightly fuzzier (a blessing and a curse for me), and the ferocious pain starts to dull just a little

2. Time creates a million billion new moments to live “after” and those new moments create a new “normal”. all those new moments with new responses, it

For example, my mom and I used to talk every day. Literally. Even if it was just to text. I was that daughter who couldn’t do anything without my mom knowing/advising/approving. At 40+ years old, I am shocked that I lived my life like that until she was gone, but I did and I was happy & proud of it.

With every day that passes that I have to do things without talking to my mom about it … I am getting used to it more and more. I am becoming a lot more comfortable being uncomfortable and accepting of my new reality. Its not what I would want, but it’s what I have and I can tell that God is working through me during these times.

I had a good friend who is a member of the “dead mom club” tell me that I’ll know I’ve started to heal when my memories make me smile & laugh more than cry. Wow – aspirations, right?! The fact that I was even having that conversation was just unfathomable to me. But he is right! And a year later, I am beginning to understand what he meant. My thoughts of Mom bring fewer tears.

But more than anything, I am different now.

I am not where I want to be, but I’m not where I was.

This time last year, I was a wreck. It was inconceivable to me that I would be happy, that I would be comfortable alone, that I would be confident enough to make decisions without the approval of everyone around me. I’ve made a ton of progress.

My prayer for you today is that you don’t discount how far you have come! You are not where you want to be, but you aren’t where you were, and THAT is huge. That should be celebrated and honored and something to be extremely proud of.

XO Tay